Pre-Conditioned Discipline: Changing our Song and Dance

A Change of Heart is a Good Start

We had a therapist come and talk to our Relief Society sisters last Thursday evening. It was a good question and answer session; but, as with most valuable information, there wasn’t enough time to really address individual needs or to reach the one. Also, as with anything of lasting value, many lessons have to be learned personally. I have found that Jesus is the best Teacher and the One most gifted to reach the one.

This is not to say that study of behavior will not help us. Certainly, it will. We must be sure that what we are learning is in harmony with the gospel: Jesus’s teaching, the scriptures, and the prophets. As we equip ourselves with knowledge, it is important for us to put principles into practice in our lives, which will help us feel more whole and empower us to live better lives. I’m thankful for the time Brother Goodson spent with us, and I was impressed to see him offering personal counsel to some after the meeting ended, of his own freewill and off the clock.

While many topics were discussed, I am only going to comment on one today. How can we change our behavior in the moment? Let me explain. A sister was concerned about her personal reactions to her children when they misbehave. She feels like her reactions are not really choices, but just flared responses. How many times have we all felt like that?

Well, the gentlemen talked about Jesus’s extreme gift of self-control. Certainly, He always responded with love. Even in the times when He showed anger, He still had perfect control. Did the man’s response help the sister know what to do? Well, we all understand that we must pattern our lives after the Savior, but sometimes that seems easier said than done.

Someone brought up the scene of Jesus clearing the courtyard of the temple from the buyers and the sellers. No one should suggest that Jesus wasn’t angry, because He clearly was. While there are critics who may say that He acted rashly, we must remember that He took the time to actually construct a cord with which to drive away the wrongful activity. Plus, and this is important, Jesus as the High Priest of the Universe actually had the authority to do what He did to clean and safeguard His Father’s house (see John 2:12-16).

I feel it is necessary to remember that we do not believe in a God who is without body, parts, and passions; and, we as His children have inherited those good qualities. Now it is up to us to learn how to bridle them as He has done.

So back to the woman’s question. The time for change is not in the heat of the moment. The time for change is in our quiet, reflective moments. When we pray, we need to ask for help. When we ponder, we need to write down our impressions. When we are honest with ourselves, we need to acknowledge that sometimes our actions are not appropriate, and that our children’s actions do not justify childish reactions. Then we need to make a plan. We can pattern play, acting out scenarios and responses.

We can and should involve the children. We need to make explicit those things which we consider rules in our home. Even if the implications are there, children need the solidarity of set rules. When we involve them in establishing rules concerning the government of our attitudes and actions, and when we let them determine fair and reasonable consequences for both behavior and misbehavior, we are actually giving them a sense of security in our homes. If we develop a standard of trying to adhere to these rules ourselves, they will feel secure. And so will we.

The thing to remember is that our responses are conditioned responses, which means that they have been practiced for many years. So in order to change the undesired outcome, we need to recondition ourselves; we need to change the condition of our response. And if that doesn’t take planning and effort, I don’t know what does. But if we desire a better response and a more loving outcome; if we desire our children to learn better patterns, too; then, it is worth the effort.

As we plan for changes and recondition our responses, we will notice that the outcomes will also change. We learn in Human Behavior classes, that if we keep doing the same song and dance, we will keep getting the same results; but, if one person changes his or her steps, that cycle will be disrupted and the dance will begin to change.

Suggested scriptures to ponder:

King Benjamin taught all of His people the gospel, and they were all converted. How can studying the gospel and strengthening our own conversion, help us have a change of heart? How can it help us improve our family relationships.

Mosiah 5:1-2

Sometimes it is necessary to disciple our children quickly, sharply, and firmly. But we should be in control and our actions should be motivated by love; and, we need to afterwards take the time to reaffirm our love for our children.

Doctrine and Covenants 141:40-46

Please also read Dealing with Loss

My Parents are Missionaries

My father and mother have served three full-time missions together. Prior to that, Dad served a mission in Germany and numerous stake missions.

My parents served in Yerevan, Armenia. They helped so many people there. Dad helped get heaters working and did all kinds of physical labor service. They both loved and served the people. But their visas never came through, and so they were transferred to Kharkov, Ukraine. There they continued to serve and love the people of that country.

For their next mission, they were called to oversee the building of the Kiev Temple. Unfortunately, that did not happen during their mission, but took another ten years. Once they met a man who told them of a senior couple who'd been called to oversee the building of a temple in Ukraine, but who had failed in their assignment. My mother said, "Oh? That would be us!" Did they fail? Of course not. They weren't in Kiev to help prepare a temple for the people, but to help prepare the people for a temple.

Their last mission was to Samara, Russia.

They have numerous stories. They touched thousands of lives. That's the way with missionary work and it's ripple effect. Dad was in mission presidencies. They suffered extremely cold conditions and had meager amounts of food, and they traded their comfortable big home for small apartments.

I'm proud of my parents and the example that they've set for me and for the legacy they've given to our family. Dad was (and still is) self-employed and he's exhausted all of his savings to serve the Lord. Between each mission, he'd earn enough money to go serve again. Now nearly 82, he still is working. (1-25-13 He turned 83 last November.)

They have been temple workers for many years. Mom is sad that her current health won't allow her to serve in the temple, and hopes to be able to return again. (1-25-13 Lately, they are both serving one day a week, no longer two.)

One of the greatest blessing of my parents life was attending the Kiev Temple Dedication. In the ceremonies prior to the dedication, they were able to visit with people from the four different mission areas where they served. The people were so happy to see them, and my parents were blessed by the love and gratitude they were shown.

God loves us. He loves all of his children. What a blessing it is that as members of His Church; we can serve each other at home and abroad. I'm thankful for missionaries and for missions. I hope that Bob and I will have the opportunity to serve together as well. (We have done so as stake and ward missionaries in the past. 1-25-13 I have been called as a ward missionary again.)

27 September 2017:

Dad, I wrote this first in September 2011. I am so thankful for the example that you and Mom set for me in serving in the Church and loving Heavenly Father and all His children. I need to do better in serving. I’ve enjoyed the time that I serve in the California Redlands Mission office. And I am again a ward missionary. 6^th time now I think. I know there is an added boldness that comes with the assignment to teach and share the gospel, and I often see Mom’s and your personality shining through when I share the gospel. I love you so much. I miss Mom. I know you miss her more. I’m sure that she is happy in the service that she is doing there helping to strengthen our families. I love you.
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