Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Again and Again
Have you ever found that the most difficult commandment is to endure to the end? I can be perfectly at peace for a minute. I can be perfectly charitable for an hour. I can be on top of the world for a day. But one small mishap can quickly shatter it all. I guess it is a little bit like Peter walking on water. He had his eyes on the Lord, and he was doing it! Then he noticed the great expanse of water all about him, and he quickly began to sink.
I remember the first time I prayed about the Book of Mormon. I was twelve. I wanted to know if it was true. So I put Moroni's challenge to the test, and I asked Heavenly Father in Jesus's name if it was true. I felt the greatest peace and calm come over me. It was beautiful. I wanted to hold onto that feeling, and I relished that experience the entire evening. I savored it.
I finished the Book of Mormon again a couple days ago. I prayed about it again, and I felt the same Spirit that I did when I was twelve. Then last night as I was reading, I felt that same Spirit. Then one small conversation brought the worries of the world back into my heart, and the peace was chased away. Why did I allow that? I guess it's because we need to be aware of the water all around us constantly, so that we don't sink. We need to look to the Lord like Peter did.
I have found grace and mercy and obtained a forgiveness of my sins. That is a sweet experience. But then I have been caught up in the struggles of daily life, and I continue to make mistakes and I constantly fall short of the glory of God. Again and again, I need to rely on Him and on His redeeming blood to save me. Plateaus are no good. Ladders do not always progress at a vertical slope. But Jesus is a constant. If I could learn to always keep my eye on Him, I know that His perfectness would carry me. How can one sink when Jesus is his focus?
I do not understand how He only did His Father's will and never followed a personal agenda. My small, insignificant tasks are often left undone because I get sidetracked by the things I want to do right now, thinking that I will do the things I should do later. And so I rob myself of peaceful free time and the satisfication of meeting some timely goals. How did He do it?
I know that I need to be more prayerful and turn over my life more to my Heavenly Father, but I'm quite content with how my life is now. I am truly uncertain of the new steps required in such an intricate dance. But I know that when I am ready to learn, He is willing, able, and ready to teach me. I need the faith; I need the courage; and I need the ability to regain focus after every time I notice all the water surrounding me.
Lord, don't let me sink. And, help Thou my unbelief. Again and again, I need Thee.